That Sinking Feeling
by Red Witch
Summary: A sinkhole appears in the Figgis Agency's garage.


**The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters is in a sinkhole. This takes place right after Earthquake II The Rumbling.**

 **That Sinking Feeling**

"Man it's pouring," Ray remarked as he looked outside the window of the Figgis Agency. "Like dogs and cats out there."

Ray, Cyril, Lana, Cheryl and Mallory were in Cyril's office for a meeting. Mostly about what to do after the earthquake the previous day.

"First the smog and the fires," Cyril grumbled. "Then the earthquake. Now the rain."

"California has been having a lot of rain lately," Lana said.

"So much for the drought," Mallory grumbled.

"Isn't a lot of rain after a drought a **good thing?"** Cheryl asked confused.

"Not if the ground is too dry," Lana told her.

"Uh Lana ground is almost **always** too dry," Cheryl snorted. "That's why it's usually called dirt. Duh!"

"If the ground gets too dry it can't hold up plants and trees!" Ray snapped. "Which causes mudslides and other problems when it gets suddenly wet! Like property damage? Duh!"

"Not to mention the rain is probably poisoned with god knows what kinds of toxins from all the smog we had yesterday," Lana said.

Suddenly a strange rumble was felt. "What the hell was that?" Ray asked.

"You don't think it's another earthquake?" Lana asked in a worried tone.

"It didn't feel like it," Cyril blinked.

"Awww," Cheryl pouted.

"Cheryl how can you be disappointed?" Ray said. "Yesterday when there was an earthquake you were running around screaming like a turkey that just realized it was invited to Thanksgiving dinner as the main course!"

"What's wrong with that?" Cheryl blinked.

"You're now addicted to fear as well as pain, aren't you?" Ray realized with a groan.

"Fear makes me feel so alive," Cheryl grinned.

"Just when I thought you could not get any crazier…" Ray groaned.

"Yeah, I really am raising the bar this year," Cheryl grinned.

"You should be put **behind bars** this year," Cyril grumbled.

"Holy Sink Snacks!" Pam ran in. "You guys gotta come to the garage now! You gotta see this!"

"Oh, what fresh hell is going on now?" Mallory groaned.

"Well it can't be any worse than the earthquake yesterday," Lana said as they left to see what new disaster had befallen them.

Five minutes later…

"I stand corrected," Lana blinked.

In the middle of the Figgis Agency garage was a small sinkhole. "Yeah Krieger and I found this sucker when we went to pimp out his van some more," Pam told the others.

"A **sinkhole**?" Cyril shouted. "Our agency has a **sinkhole** now?"

"Wow," Ray said. "If that is not a perfect metaphor for our agency I don't know what is."

"A sinkhole in our garage," Mallory groaned. "Well why **not**? Everything else has gone to hell!"

"I guess the earthquake we had rattled the foundation more than we thought," Krieger said.

"No? You **think**?" Mallory snapped.

"Yes!" Krieger said cheerfully.

"Krieger, did you cause this?" Mallory shouted.

"It wasn't **me**!" Krieger snapped. "My tunnels are in the **opposite direction** of the garage! Even I'm not dumb enough to wreck the agency's foundation like that!"

"That's debatable," Mallory glared at him.

RRRRRRUMBLE!

"Okay that's not good," Ray winced as the sinkhole opened even wider.

"Great now the mess is even **bigger!** " Mallory snapped. "And now we have a bigger hole!"

"Again a perfect metaphor come to life," Ray remarked.

"Look it's no big deal," Cheryl shrugged. "We'll just pave over it."

"You can't just pave over a sinkhole!" Lana snapped. "Can you?"

"No!" Cyril snapped. "And worse if we don't fix this thing, we could lose this entire agency. Literally. As in it will **literally** sink into the ground. This building will **literally** be destroyed. And since we still have no insurance we **literally** can't afford to rebuild and replace. And we will **literally** be out of the detective business!"

RRRUUMMBLE!

"Holy sink snacks!" Pam gasped. "The sinkhole swallowed up Archer's car!"

"Great!" Mallory snapped. "Sterling's stupid car which is basically a money pit, just fell into an actual **literal** pit!"

"Now that's just freaking irony," Ray shrugged.

"I am not paying for **that**!" Cyril shouted. "Archer's car can just **rot** in there!"

"Technically cars don't rot," Krieger corrected. "They rust."

"Whatever it does it can do that!" Cyril snapped.

"Fine! I will pay for it!" Mallory snapped. "I might as well. I pay for everything else Sterling has! INCLUDING HIS OWN CHILD'S EDUCATION!"

"Still going on about that huh?" Lana asked.

"Apparently at least until she graduates from college," Mallory grumbled.

"If she makes it to college," Cheryl spoke up.

"OH YES SHE IS!" Lana and Mallory shouted.

"Abbiejean is going to college!" Lana snapped.

"Even if I have to **buy** one!" Mallory snapped. "Or win one in a poker game like Harding."

"That was a newspaper," Cyril corrected.

"Same difference," Mallory grumbled. "They both spout out nothing but liberal crap now."

"Look I can fix the sinkhole," Krieger said.

"You can?" Pam asked. "Since when are you a general contractor?"

"It's basically just filling up a hole and tamping it down with dirt and concrete," Krieger said. "And maybe a few other things I'd like to bury. I've seen like a dozen videos on the Internet on how to do it! I can figure it out."

"Uh as much as I'd hate to spend more agency money," Ray said. "I think in this case we'd be better off if we hired a general contractor or something."

"And throw **more money** down the **literal** pit?" Cyril snapped. "Forget it! We're going with Krieger!"

"But…" Ray began.

"We're **going** with **Krieger,** " Cyril snapped. "Besides the man can make cyborgs and robots. How hard can it be for him to fill in a little hole?"

RRRUMBLE!

"Okay a bigger hole," Cyril groaned. "But still…"

"Hang on," Mallory said. "As long as we're stuffing things into the hole there's some documents and other items I want to throw in."

"Me too," Krieger said.

"Please tell me one of those things isn't a dead body," Cyril groaned.

"Technically it's not a body," Krieger admitted. "Anymore."

"Cyril I think Ray has a point," Lana added.

"Yes, on his head," Mallory sniffed. "It's just cheaper if Krieger does it."

"Think of it as a money saving initiative," Cyril told them.

Ray folded his arms. "You do realize that in this entire history of this agency, money saving initiatives usually end up **costing us** more money?"

"Oh, don't be such a worry wart you worry wuss!" Mallory snapped. "I'm sure Krieger can…"

CREEEEK!

RUMMMBLE!

CRASH!

"MY CAR!" Mallory shouted.

"Now your car is in the sinkhole?" Cheryl laughed. "This day just keeps getting better!"

"Again," Ray sighed. "Another perfect metaphor."

"KRIEGER!" Mallory shouted.

"I'm on it," Krieger went off quickly.

A few hours later…

"KRIEGER SPENT **HOW MUCH**?" Cyril shouted from behind his desk. Pam, Ray, Lana and Mallory were also in the room. Pam and Ray were wearing overalls.

"Well he had to rent the crane to pull Archer's car **and** Ms. Archer's car out of the sinkhole," Pam explained.

"Not to mention the tamping equipment and paving equipment to fill in the sinkhole and cover the damn thing up," Ray added.

"Good thing we had you two idiots to help him," Mallory said.

"We are getting paid for this right?" Pam asked.

"You get what you get and you'll shut up!" Mallory snapped.

"Yes, you're getting some money…" Cyril groaned. "And at least two hours for your private eye certifications."

"What?" Mallory shouted.

"Mallory it's still cheaper than hiring a work crew!" Cyril snapped. "And it makes them happy for a very small amount."

"That's true," Ray admitted.

"And we also get some important life skills on top of it," Pam grinned. "I feel like I really earned my hourly credits today."

Ray nodded. "If all else fails we can always try a career in construction."

"Considering your skills more likely a career in destruction," Cyril groaned.

"Doesn't matter," Pam said. "Two hours is still two hours."

"Pam is getting a private eye certification **too**?" Mallory was stunned.

"Well we don't have much need for an HR manager, do we?" Cyril snapped. "And again, since Archer is in a coma we need all the agents we can get! At least the sinkhole is fixed."

"But it's stabilized, right?" Lana asked. "It won't grow, right?"

"It should," Pam said. "We filled in a whole big ass load of concrete."

"And right there is the concrete bill," Ray pointed. "Oddly enough Krieger had his own mixing machine."

"That was fun," Pam grinned.

"It was," Ray admitted.

"Shouldn't we at least call an inspector or something?" Lana asked. "To make sure everything is okay?"

"And have some government flunky bill us a whole day for twenty minutes' work?" Cyril snapped. "Forget it!"

"For once Cyril you are thinking like a manager," Mallory said as she took a drink. "Those safety inspections are mostly nothing but a big racket anyway."

"Not really," Lana said.

"Okay this cost a little more than I thought it would…" Cyril sighed as he looked at the bills. "But I think everything will be fine now. As long as we don't have any more problems."

"Uh guys," Krieger poked his head in. "We have a problem."

Cyril looked upwards. "Just couldn't give me a break, could you?"

"To be fair you did kind of pitch a big fat one to the universe," Pam told him.

"Now what?" Mallory shouted.

"I may have started a teensy little fire," Krieger gulped. Just then the fire alarm sounded.

"WHAT?" Everyone shouted.

"I kind of backed in the paving machine to something I shouldn't have," Krieger winced. "Long story short we're not getting our deposit back on some of the equipment I rented."

"I don't freaking believe this!" Cyril shouted.

Twenty minutes later…

"I don't freaking **believe this!"** Cyril wailed.

"At least the fire department got here fast," Lana remarked as the Figgis Agency stood outside their office. "So there can't be that much damage."

"I dunno," Pam looked over. "There might be more depending on how successful Cheryl is flirting with those firefighters."

"Good thing we had our coats," Lana shivered. "Is it me or is it unusually cold today?"

"It is," Mallory admitted. "Good thing I just bought this lovely new Coach jacket."

"Tell me you didn't do it with agency money!" Cyril snapped.

"Relax Mr. Mooney!" Mallory snapped. "I used my own money from my emergency coat fund!"

"You have an _emergency coat fund_?" Lana was stunned.

"You don't?" Mallory asked.

"Can we at least find a place to go inside?" Ray snapped. "So we don't stand out here on the sidewalk all day?"

"Go where? Looks like they had to evacuate half the street because of the fire," Lana remarked.

"More like a power outage caused by the fire," Krieger corrected.

"Boy our neighbors are not going to be happy with us," Pam realized.

"How that's money saving initiative going Cyril?" Ray asked sarcastically.

"Shut up," Cyril snapped. "Look at least the sinkhole is fixed and…"

Just then some flurries started to come down. "You have got to be **kidding** me?" Lana groaned.

"Please tell me I'm not seeing snow…" Cyril moaned. "Krieger…"

"It's not me!" Krieger snapped. "I swear!"

"Don't worry," Pam said. "I'm pretty sure it won't stick."

Ten minutes later…

"Wow it is coming down," Cheryl remarked as a mini blizzard was now coming down. "By the way I'm gonna take off the rest of the day to go on a date with this hunky firefighter? Okay? Bye!" She took off.

"I don't **freaking** **believe** this!" Cyril groaned.

"Neither do I!" Pam groaned. "The least she could have done was find out if he had a friend for the rest of us!"

"Yeah!" Ray agreed. "She's not the only one who likes firefighters!"

"Exactly!" Pam agreed.

"How is this happening?" Lana shouted. "This is southern California! It never snows here!"

"Actually, it does on rare occasions," Krieger explained. "Usually once a decade but there's been a snow drought for at least 54 years."

"Leave it to us to break the streak," Ray groaned.

"It is possible when marine air hits an extreme cold front," Krieger said.

"Shut up Al Joker!" Mallory snapped.

"Not to mention the air is saturated with all the toxins and pollution from the smog the other day," Krieger went on.

"Is that why the snow is black?" Pam asked.

"Actually it looks more like a very dark grey," Krieger corrected. "But yeah that would do it."

"And I'm guessing the stains will be a bitch to get out, won't they?" Lana groaned.

"Don't even bother," Krieger waved. "You're better off throwing them out and getting new ones. Trust me on this."

"I don't **freaking believe this**!" Mallory shouted.

"Yeah that coat you're wearing is totally ruined," Pam told Mallory. "Shame though. It was actually a nice one."

"God I hate California…" Mallory moaned.


End file.
